In the past week and a half, I've worked nearly 40 hours. On top of that, I've spent about 30 hours at school. I've spent a few more hours tutoring. I'm tired.
When I'm tired, I'm upset. I am exhausted with going to school and getting "perfect" grades. I am exhausted with working and working and working and never having much to show for it. I'm tired of money. I'm tired of responsibilities. I'm tired of always carrying so much weight on my shoulders and never allowing anyone to help. Most of all, I'm tired of feeling lonely and like I don't really belong anywhere at all.
These are the times that I think about my next few years in Montana and all that I hope they will be. I hope to find a group of friends who will feel like home. I hope to go on endless adventures that make me feel alive. I hope to learn about myself and to learn how to let go.
Sometimes I remind myself that by going to Montana, all I'm really doing is running away from all that is here. I expressed this concern to my dad and step mom, Jane, and their reaction was more than I hoped for. They told me it's okay that I'm running away and that that's kind of the point. They tell me every single day how excited they are for me and how much fun I'm going to have. They reassure me.
I'm not really sure what my goal was with this post. I think I was just feeling really broken and I needed to channel it into something more constructive.
This is what this post has reminded me-- THE PROMISE OF THE FUTURE IS WONDERFUL AND BEAUTIFUL AND HAPPY. Great things are in store. I just have to make it through a few more "today"s.
This has been the wallpaper on my phone for the past couple of weeks. (I need to pay more attention to it).
Hope Floats.
