Just Livin'

Hi to the anyone or no one that's reading this!
Just stopping in for a quick update and some more photos.

Hmm. Since I last posted I guess it's just been the same old college life. I've received lots of boxes from many loved ones at home that make me smile so big and make my weeks that much better. I've gotten back into a regular running schedule, I've ate countless salads, I've gotten my first beautiful paycheck, and I've spent hours and hours doing homework or exploring or eating or vegging with my wonderful Montana friends.

Let me tell you about 'em:
Dallas: From Spokane, Washington... Yay for Pacific-Northwesterners! Dallas is my roommate (that was quite the process) and she's a lot like me. She's very active and very healthy and very focused and she's a fireball. She does not take anything from anyone and I love her for it.

Alexis: From Anoka, Minnesota, she's just hilarious and I love her lots. She's my running buddy and I appreciate her companionship because running alone is kind of sad to me. She drives a Mini Cooper (lol) and she likes to eat and I like to eat so it works.

Colleen: From Carmel, Indiana, she's Alexis's roommate and she's a little fashionista (well, so is Alexis). Me and Dallas... Not so much. Colleen is just kinda silly and happy and open. And she's a little bit tall like me. I love when people are tall like me.

So yeah. A quick overview of my buddies. I got really sick two days ago, went to the health clinic, and was diagnosed with a bacterial throat infection. WOIQWCEHAUIRHV. They gave me antibiotics and I'm feeling better already but dang, the throbbing throat and chilly/sweaty fever could go ahead and leave now. I'm planning a big long hike on Saturday with Alexis so I'm really hoping to be healthy for that. Love me some hikes. :) This will be the hardest one yet, with ending elevation at 10,000 ft. FRICKIN' WOOOOHOOOOOOO.

Last Weekend's hike up Storm Castle Peak

 

 

 

 

Alexis, Me, Dallas, Colleen

 Alexis and I found a chair one Saturday night.

 

It was quite humorous.

Some other assorted good old fashioned fun. ;)

The coldest hockey game in the history of hockey games. (probably not really)

What can I say... I'm just festive.

My style has changed so much since living here... I guess I never really had style. It was meant to be.

Love my dad and step mom for the little things. For the button my dad sent in my fly box that says "I AM LOVED", for this letter that reminds me of the same thing, for the box they sent that was addressed to "Kami (is cool) Crockatt", for the pumpkin that my step mom grew herself with my name in it, for the sticky note inside this letter that reminds me how much they love me and how proud they are of me, and for the texts every single day that wish me a good day and ask me how I am.

I can't even caption this. This night was asinine.

8am class ain't so bad when it looks like this.

Oh how I miss my little babies. So hard to deal with when I'm home... So hard to deal with when I'm away. I also miss my mama. She texts me every day and sends me funny pictures and loving videos and I'm grateful for the visuals of home because sometimes they are so much comfort to me. (Like now. When I'm sicker than a dog.)

Because this is my reality. And I'm so lucky. And I worked so hard for this.

See ya l8r!

Hope Floats.

In With The New

Hi wow! I haven't posted in 6 months! My life has been crazy busy and I started this blog mostly to help me feel happy again and it turns out I didn't need it as much as I thought I would. I'm happy.

SO WHAT'S BEEN UP IN MY LIFE???

Hmm...

Gresham Lions Breakfast Club, April 17, 2014

 I won a scholarship! :)

Fashion Show, April 25, 2014

I was the Lion from The Wizard of Oz. Cameron was Peeta from Hunger Games.

Senior Banquet, May 22, 2014

Brianna & Kaitlyn, my best friends forever and ever. (Aren't they so cute and short?)

Happy Girls 10k, Bend, OR, May 25, 2014

Making our way up to that half marathon! First the Shamrock Run (5k) then the Happy Girls Run (10k) and scroll a little farther and you'll see about the Huckleberry Half Marathon!

Evening of Excellence, May 29, 2014

(Can't find a photo)

BUT I won another scholarship! :)

Senior Picnic, May 30, 2014

Kaitlyn, Brianna, Amanda, Kami. Friendz 4eva.

Graduation, June 5, 2014

 

A special thanks to my dad and step mom (top) and my mom and step dad (bottom). You guys rock.

MSU Orientation, June 23- June 25, 2014

(I don't even know if I want to be a nurse.)

So in love with Bozeman.

East Lake, July 24- July 28, 2014

The best times at the best place with the best family and the best friend.

Huckleberry Half Marathon, August 9, 2014

We did it!!! It was so hard. So much training. So much bonding. And now I'm all set to sign up for my second half marathon this March. :)

And finally...

Montana State University, Bozeman, MT, August 21, 2014 to who knows when.

Bye Dad! You're the best man in the universe!

Bye Jane! Thanks for being my friend, running buddy and support system!

I can't imagine being anywhere else.

See you soon!

Hope Floats.

Light in the Darkness

It's been a while since I've posted, and for me, that is a good thing. It means I've been happier. It means my thoughts have been less jumbled. It means I haven't had much frustration that needed channeling into a blog post.

Here's a picture of my daily routine: Wake up, head to school, go for a run with my step mom, Jane, fashion show practice once a week, tutoring twice a week, and working about three days a week. After all of this is done, I head home and do homework late into the night. Then I go to bed and wake up and start it all over again.

I've noticed some changes in myself, though. For a few months this year, I was depressed. I will openly admit that. I spent every waking second of free time lying in my bed and crying about the littlest things. I was overwhelmed with my packed schedule and while I was exhausted and lonely and angry and scared, I never lost hope.

I started getting better about a month ago. My friends are wonderful, but none of them can relate to me or my struggles. What has really saved me has been my step mom.

Jane has four kids who she gives 100% of her time and energy to. She is a very busy woman. Very busy. But she carves out time for me every single day to make sure that she can go running with me. She sticks by my side and has got me from barely being able to run 1 mile to being able to run 5+ easily. On these runs we talk about everything and nothing, depending on the day. On the days she pushes me extra hard to the point of a temper tantrum, she just continues to support me.

So maybe this is dramatic, but I really believe that both Jane and our runs together have saved me from a very dark place. Of course I still have my bad days, but they're not paralyzing like they were. They don't consume me and turn me into someone I don't want to be. Every day I see a part of myself returning that I thought I had lost. Depression is a monster but I am stronger.

For the majority of my life, I would not admit to weakness. How prideful. I go to school every day and I see now that I must be a mystery to my peers. Not long ago, one of my teachers pulled me aside and told me that "a little birdy" had told her that I was skipping too much school and that they thought I might not graduate. I don't cry in public but I came dangerously close to spilling tears during that conversation. I have a 4.0, I have a job, I tutor, I volunteer and I do the best that I can every day of my life and yet, there are always going to be ignorant people who judge and doubt and spread rumors. The goal is to always be bigger than that.

I'm not perfect. I have problems. And I need to be reminded that I'm not alone. Jane has been that reminder for me.

Thank you, Jane. I love you lots.

 

Hope Floats.

Tomorrow

       Tonight I'm feeling weary and weary is never good. I take after my dad in that- we work work work, we exhaust ourselves and then our moods plummet.

       In the past week and a half, I've worked nearly 40 hours. On top of that, I've spent about 30 hours at school. I've spent a few more hours tutoring. I'm tired.

       When I'm tired, I'm upset. I am exhausted with going to school and getting "perfect" grades. I am exhausted with working and working and working and never having much to show for it. I'm tired of money. I'm tired of responsibilities. I'm tired of always carrying so much weight on my shoulders and never allowing anyone to help. Most of all, I'm tired of feeling lonely and like I don't really belong anywhere at all.

       These are the times that I think about my next few years in Montana and all that I hope they will be. I hope to find a group of friends who will feel like home. I hope to go on endless adventures that make me feel alive. I hope to learn about myself and to learn how to let go.

       Sometimes I remind myself that by going to Montana, all I'm really doing is running away from all that is here. I expressed this concern to my dad and step mom, Jane, and their reaction was more than I hoped for. They told me it's okay that I'm running away and that that's kind of the point. They tell me every single day how excited they are for me and how much fun I'm going to have. They reassure me.

       I'm not really sure what my goal was with this post. I think I was just feeling really broken and I needed to channel it into something more constructive.

       This is what this post has reminded me-- THE PROMISE OF THE FUTURE IS WONDERFUL AND BEAUTIFUL AND HAPPY. Great things are in store. I just have to make it through a few more "today"s.


This has been the wallpaper on my phone for the past couple of weeks. (I need to pay more attention to it).

Hope Floats.

Pay it Forward

       I set a couple of hours aside today just to sit down, paint my nails (pink) and ponder. While I was at school today, a few people told me they had read my blog and my automatic reaction was embarrassment. I was so mortified that I even felt myself start to blush. I didn't even know why I was feeling this way and it left me confused. Why should I be embarrassed that people choose to read my blog? It's MY blog.

       I gave that some thought. I decided that I had been embarrassed because all my previous post contained were little details about me and my life, and I don't think I'm all that interesting. But I made this blog to share the thoughts that I find worthy of sharing, and share I will. :-)

       Today after my think-time, I typed out an entire blog post that basically just expressed my self-image and how terrible it is. I left the post sitting on my laptop while I went grocery shopping with my mom and I planned on coming home and publishing it. On our outing, I had a change in heart.

       I had been in a nasty mood, like I have been for the past few months. Bless her heart, I was taking it out on my dear mom. We pulled up to a red light and there was a homeless man sitting at the intersection with a sign that read, "Anything helps." His face was scruffy and his eyes were old and sad. It always brings a pang to my heart when I see people sitting on street corners in the cold, but I can't afford to help all of them and usually I just smile and continue on. Today the sun was shining through the break in the clouds and I took that as a sign. I dug out my wallet and asked my mom to hand him the only thing I had; a $5. I watched the man's eyes light up and I heard the utter gratitude in his voice as he rushed to the window, took the bill and said, "Thank you so much." He was so appreciative of that measly $5.  We said, "God bless" and as we drove off I felt conflicted. I felt good about the moment of happiness I had brought the man. I felt bad because in the scheme of things, my $5 won't help him as much as I'd like it to.

       My mood turned around after this and I realized how selfish of me it had been to spend so much time typing out a stupid blog post all about myself and my puny problems. I came home and deleted it. That man has so much less than me and yet he is so thankful for the tiniest things.

       As I mentioned earlier, I always try to smile at homeless men and women. It is sickening to me the way people drive past them without even a glance. How do you think it makes them feel when people literally pretend they're invisible? They are not invisible. They are people who are struggling. They are people who need a warm smile the most. Remind them that kindness still exists. Give them hope. Paying it forward has to start somewhere.

Tonight I'm feeling thankful. I have great friends and family who love and care for me. I have a roof over my head and I have food to eat. I have a job and I have a future ahead of me. I am counting my blessings.

 

Hope Floats.

Inside the Mind of a New Blogger

       Last night as I laid tossing and turning, I did what I always do when I can't sleep. I picked up my cellphone. With nothing else to look at, I ended up on Pinterest searching quotes (~see Roald Dahl quote above). As all of these lovely quotes filled my head, I realized I really wanted a place to put those quotes and my own thoughts and ideas regarding them. So alas, I created a blog. Here I am. I don't know if anyone is reading this or if anyone ever will, but whatever. Mostly I wanted a blog for me. To sort out my thoughts and give me a constructive place to put them. Here's the thing. I've been in a pretty bad place lately and I'm really hoping this will help (because, after all, hope floats).

       I guess I'll start by telling you about me. I'm Kami. I'm a senior in high school headed to Montana State University next year (Yahoo!). I've worked at a movie theater for the past two years. The outdoors is my oasis. I have a big huge family that sometimes I get lost in. My sister is my very best friend, my favorite person in the world, my comfort, my strength. Her name is Tawny. She lives in Nevada and I miss her so much it hurts. I'm diagnosed with senioritis (hehe, not really funny, I know). Even so, I take school really seriously and I'm very ambitious. I want to be one of two things when I grow up... a) a counselor, or b) a nurse. I'm hoping (there's that word again) to make good money and be successful and all that crap but mostly I'm just on the pursuit of happiness. Aren't we all?

       If you haven't noticed by now, I actually really hate talking about me. But I love talking about my deep thoughts and that's what I plan on doing here. But not tonight. Tonight I've spent about 4 hours creating this blog and making it look pretty and now I want to sleep. Did I mention how much I LOVE my bed???

 

 

  Hope Floats.