Light in the Darkness

It's been a while since I've posted, and for me, that is a good thing. It means I've been happier. It means my thoughts have been less jumbled. It means I haven't had much frustration that needed channeling into a blog post.

Here's a picture of my daily routine: Wake up, head to school, go for a run with my step mom, Jane, fashion show practice once a week, tutoring twice a week, and working about three days a week. After all of this is done, I head home and do homework late into the night. Then I go to bed and wake up and start it all over again.

I've noticed some changes in myself, though. For a few months this year, I was depressed. I will openly admit that. I spent every waking second of free time lying in my bed and crying about the littlest things. I was overwhelmed with my packed schedule and while I was exhausted and lonely and angry and scared, I never lost hope.

I started getting better about a month ago. My friends are wonderful, but none of them can relate to me or my struggles. What has really saved me has been my step mom.

Jane has four kids who she gives 100% of her time and energy to. She is a very busy woman. Very busy. But she carves out time for me every single day to make sure that she can go running with me. She sticks by my side and has got me from barely being able to run 1 mile to being able to run 5+ easily. On these runs we talk about everything and nothing, depending on the day. On the days she pushes me extra hard to the point of a temper tantrum, she just continues to support me.

So maybe this is dramatic, but I really believe that both Jane and our runs together have saved me from a very dark place. Of course I still have my bad days, but they're not paralyzing like they were. They don't consume me and turn me into someone I don't want to be. Every day I see a part of myself returning that I thought I had lost. Depression is a monster but I am stronger.

For the majority of my life, I would not admit to weakness. How prideful. I go to school every day and I see now that I must be a mystery to my peers. Not long ago, one of my teachers pulled me aside and told me that "a little birdy" had told her that I was skipping too much school and that they thought I might not graduate. I don't cry in public but I came dangerously close to spilling tears during that conversation. I have a 4.0, I have a job, I tutor, I volunteer and I do the best that I can every day of my life and yet, there are always going to be ignorant people who judge and doubt and spread rumors. The goal is to always be bigger than that.

I'm not perfect. I have problems. And I need to be reminded that I'm not alone. Jane has been that reminder for me.

Thank you, Jane. I love you lots.

 

Hope Floats.